Over the past couple days, God has been impressing on me to confront a specific situation. Now can I be honest with you? I don't want to. I'd much rather avoid it all together. To me that makes more sense that setting myself up for yet another form of REJECTION. If you haven't been continuously rejected on a regular basis (not just once...continually) you won't understand what it's like to get so sick and tired and weary and hurt from being rejected over and over and over and over and over again that you'd much rather drop out of life or at least everything in life that may cause rejection.
So, if you don't know what I'm talking about, that's OK. However, I would venture to say that maybe there's a small segment of us that understands what that's like. Have you ever been so afraid of how a situation would turn out that you deliberately sabotaged it? Better to experience the sting of it now than get your hopes up only to have them dashed, or at least that's the reasoning. Or how about this: have you ever been so afraid that just the uncling that a rejection may happen later on down the line, be it a few months, years or decades, you try to control every single solitary little item involved in it? I mean EVERY LITTLE ASPECT.
This can occur obviously when considering romantic situations, or feelings, but the truth of the matter is that when someone has a rejected mentality, it will effect everything that they do, trust me , I know.
So what's the solution?
Whether it's a romantic situation, where we're afraid of committing to one person, afraid of building a life with someone, just plain out afraid of loving or scared to death of even just getting to know someone, it's not an easy process getting to a place of freedom.
Many times, you think that you're healed and over it, and right when God leads you to face something that you're afraid of, you pull away. You make excuses, you run, you skirt , you do everything.....anything to avoid the rejection, anything.
It occurs to me that maybe people sometimes put on a facade and pretend to be someone that they're not, just to avoid rejection. That works both ways. You can pretend to be perfect and have it all together so that people will always accept you and never reject you, or you could do the opposite: act like you have way more issues than you do so that people will reject you quickly rather than you being "hoodwinked" by the proverbial carrot of acceptance. It's as if to say "look, me and you both know that you're gonna reject me sooner or later so can we maybe speed this thing up? I'd like to get it over with."
I know that sounds a little extreme but if you've been rejected or felt rejected enough times, it's easy to get in that place.
So again, the same question is raised...how in the world do we get passed it? The fear...the petrifying dreadful feeling that something bad is going to happen?
When I was crying about what God wants me to face and having no eloquent idioms or reasoning to give Him as a reason why I couldn't or wouldn't do it, I simply told Him very honestly...."I'm scared."
You know what's interesting...scared is comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time.
You hate being scared, it hurts to be so scared to live knowing that life is a vapor, but at the same time, living, really living may actually be too scary to undertake.
So what do you do?
I learned some time ago that successful people do what unsuccessful people aren't willing to do.
Along that same line of thinking, I was introduced to this expression: "do it afraid."
Do it afraid. Do it...shaking, trembling, dreading, hurting, crying on the inside....DO IT AFRAID.
There's an idiom somewhere that says courage is not the absence of fear, it's doing the thing DESPITE the fear.
The more you "do it afraid" and expand your comfort zone, the freer you'll be......
the freer we'll be.
I guess I gotta do it afraid.
Here goes nothing.
What are you afraid of? What scares you to death? It could be about love, life, school, anything.
Please respond.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
So this weekend at my church there was a singles conference. One of the items discussed that actually caused quite a debate was the topic of dating. Some people believe that dating is not in the word of God, and so therefore it's useless to participate. Some other people have the standpoint that it's the only way to get to know people and truly experience life.
Those who know me know where I stand on this. I really tend to believe that dating is kind of a waste of time. I mean I don't think that all dating is bad, and I don't think that no one on the face of the planet should date. What I do believe is that being that we are all human beings created in the image of God and we want to be loved and we want to be in relationship with another person and we want the attention and affirmation from the opposite sex, (whether we would like to admit that to ourselves or not);
and being that so many of us are broken, are hurting and are incredibly hungry for that affirmation from the opposite sex because we didn't get it as children whether it was because of sexual abuse, neglect, abandonment, or other forms of abuse, I just don't think it's advantageous for us to think that we can sit across the table from someone who we are attracted to and like, in a romantic restaurant where the lights are low and there's soft music playing, and think that for some reason we're going to be able to over ride our God given desire to want to connect with another human being on another level. Especially considering that often times on dates, instead of asking questions like "what do you do", "what's your purpose", "what do you love", "what do you hate", " what are you passionate about", "what makes you cry" - which enable us to really get to know the other person, instead we're asking questions like "so what do you want in a relationship", or "what's your ideal man/woman". WHO CARES!!! I don't know you're favorite color yet!!! LOL
The reality is that that's what dating is for many of us.
Are there some situations where people "date" and they truly just "date" - meaning they go out on dates, and they don't act like they're a couple or like they're married or look at other people who show interest in who they're interested in with disdain as if to say "back up that's mine!"....of course there are....
but I think that if we're honest with ourselves......we would see that those situations are rare. The thing is even those situations seem to be the people who are so focused that they purposefully follow certain guidelines like: they only go out in the day time.....or they meet where they go, he doesn't pick her up, or they never go to romantic restaurants, they go to apple bees or TGI Fridays or something.....or they only go out in groups.......
It also seems to me that usually when those particular people do go out on dates alone, they keep the conversation geared towards actually getting to know the other person, not interviewing them for the position of spouse....not figuring out what they want in a relationship, not walking down the aisle with them in their heads, and not engaging in other activities with them their heads.
Everyone has sexual desire and if you're physically attracted to someone, on some level there will be sexual desire towards them, of course. All the more reason to not help the devil tempt you by putting yourself in an environment that screams "we belong together" when you don't even know stupid stuff about them: like whether or not they like grapes or if they watch friends; not to mention really important things like if they tithe, if they really have a relationship with the Lord or if they're they pretending, do they have good credit, do they know how to lead, do they know how to follow, do they get offended easily?
Here's the thing......the special people that we spoke about before, who can actually handle dating without picturing themselves in the other person's bed, or standing next to them at their wedding, or actually ending up in the other person's bed; how many of us are like them, and how many of us can do that?
Especially considering how broken we are.....
I noticed something: as much as we think we're grown (especially those of us who are over 21) the truth of the matter, we fall into the same trap that teenagers commonly fall into.
How many women are there who are over 25 over thirty and are having children with men they aren't married to? I know some. How many men over 25, 30, 35 do you know who are having children with women who they aren't married to? I know some. What's the point? Glad you asked.
Now obviously if there were pregnancies involved, it's clear that there was no condom used. So here we are twenty somethings and thirty somethings ( and other ages too), grown, who know better, who know the Lord, who love God, who know that there's a FATAL disease out there called AIDS THAT DOESN'T CARE HOW OLD OR YOUNG YOU ARE, YOUR RACE, YOUR ETHNIC BACKGROUND, WHETHER YOU HAVE KIDS, WHETHER IT'S THE FIRST TIME OR THE 15TH TIME YOU'VE HAD SEX, WHETHER THE PERSON YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH IS THE ONE YOU LOVE OR NOT, some of us who even know the huge emotional baggage that goes along with having sex.....and not only are we having sex, we don't even use a condom.
We're so hungry for affection, for touch, for affirmation that we throw caution totally to the wind and hope for the best.
That's allot of us....more than we would like to admit to ourselves. Yet we think we can date and nothing bad is going to happen to us because we have "self control."
Do you see anything wrong with this picture?
Again, I don't believe that all dating is bad, and I do believe that a man and a woman who like each other and are attracted to each other can get to know each other, yeah even by dating...but I believe that it can only be a good thing if both people know their weaknesses and not try to act like they have all the self control in the world and take the necessary precautions. I also believe that if a man doesn't really see me as potentially being his wife, and I don't see him as potentially being my husband, it's kind of a waste of time....mine and his.
Someone asked the question at the conference, "well if you don't date, then how do you get to know the other person?"
A response: "my steps are ordered by the Lord....and He'll orchestrate it, not me."
I'm paraphrasing of course. In a nutshell, I agree.
I believe that those of us that God has called to be married ( and I don't believe that all of us are), He has called us to be married to one specific person to bring about one specific purpose that cannot be done unless we partner in life with that other person . See it's not even about us. That being the case, it would mean that God has need of those two people, and has need for them to be together, and He will orchestrate everything. He'll orchestrate how they meet, how they get to know each other, their friendship, etc.
I believe that so strongly that I believe even if when we decide to put certain parameters on that we're going to abide by such as "I don't date people at work." or "I could never be with someone at school or at my church" or "I only like light-skinned men" or even "I'm done. Love is not a part of my life." that God will override them if it's necessary to bring about his purpose.
I believe that the act of conventional dating, and serial monogamy (the act of being "boyfriend and girlfriend" or "going together") is actually an illusion. It fools you into thinking that you're in covenant with someone (especially us women) and that you all are a union ordained by God, when the truth is, you're not.....and you're actually not in covenant with them. That being the case, I really think in most cases, it probably causes more harm then good.
It is actually possible for a man and a woman who like each other to get to know each other without being at a romantic restaurant with the man in a suit and the woman in a beautiful dress, both of them wreaking of cologne and perfume driving each other crazy, revving up each other's hormones and pheromones and listening to soft music as they talk about what they want in a relationship................... oh I forgot...along with close slow dances. :-) LOL
Maybe they can just meet with their friends at IHOP and talk life and crack jokes. Maybe. Or maybe they can meet for lunch and talk about the presidential campaign and cartoons they watched (or watch in my case LOL)
Maybe they can focus on just getting to know each other and really becoming friends. Real friends. Friends don't talk seductively to each other. Friends don't try to put on something that's gonna drive the other person crazy and make them incredibly sexually frustrated...(brothers and sisters in Christ don't do that either.)
Given the current state of affairs, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea if what we know as "dating" is revamped.
You've heard what I think, what do you think? Let's discuss. It's OK if we disagree....that's why every one's different. Maybe our opinions can give each other some perspective.
Should Christians date? Why or why not?
Please respond.
Those who know me know where I stand on this. I really tend to believe that dating is kind of a waste of time. I mean I don't think that all dating is bad, and I don't think that no one on the face of the planet should date. What I do believe is that being that we are all human beings created in the image of God and we want to be loved and we want to be in relationship with another person and we want the attention and affirmation from the opposite sex, (whether we would like to admit that to ourselves or not);
and being that so many of us are broken, are hurting and are incredibly hungry for that affirmation from the opposite sex because we didn't get it as children whether it was because of sexual abuse, neglect, abandonment, or other forms of abuse, I just don't think it's advantageous for us to think that we can sit across the table from someone who we are attracted to and like, in a romantic restaurant where the lights are low and there's soft music playing, and think that for some reason we're going to be able to over ride our God given desire to want to connect with another human being on another level. Especially considering that often times on dates, instead of asking questions like "what do you do", "what's your purpose", "what do you love", "what do you hate", " what are you passionate about", "what makes you cry" - which enable us to really get to know the other person, instead we're asking questions like "so what do you want in a relationship", or "what's your ideal man/woman". WHO CARES!!! I don't know you're favorite color yet!!! LOL
The reality is that that's what dating is for many of us.
Are there some situations where people "date" and they truly just "date" - meaning they go out on dates, and they don't act like they're a couple or like they're married or look at other people who show interest in who they're interested in with disdain as if to say "back up that's mine!"....of course there are....
but I think that if we're honest with ourselves......we would see that those situations are rare. The thing is even those situations seem to be the people who are so focused that they purposefully follow certain guidelines like: they only go out in the day time.....or they meet where they go, he doesn't pick her up, or they never go to romantic restaurants, they go to apple bees or TGI Fridays or something.....or they only go out in groups.......
It also seems to me that usually when those particular people do go out on dates alone, they keep the conversation geared towards actually getting to know the other person, not interviewing them for the position of spouse....not figuring out what they want in a relationship, not walking down the aisle with them in their heads, and not engaging in other activities with them their heads.
Everyone has sexual desire and if you're physically attracted to someone, on some level there will be sexual desire towards them, of course. All the more reason to not help the devil tempt you by putting yourself in an environment that screams "we belong together" when you don't even know stupid stuff about them: like whether or not they like grapes or if they watch friends; not to mention really important things like if they tithe, if they really have a relationship with the Lord or if they're they pretending, do they have good credit, do they know how to lead, do they know how to follow, do they get offended easily?
Here's the thing......the special people that we spoke about before, who can actually handle dating without picturing themselves in the other person's bed, or standing next to them at their wedding, or actually ending up in the other person's bed; how many of us are like them, and how many of us can do that?
Especially considering how broken we are.....
I noticed something: as much as we think we're grown (especially those of us who are over 21) the truth of the matter, we fall into the same trap that teenagers commonly fall into.
How many women are there who are over 25 over thirty and are having children with men they aren't married to? I know some. How many men over 25, 30, 35 do you know who are having children with women who they aren't married to? I know some. What's the point? Glad you asked.
Now obviously if there were pregnancies involved, it's clear that there was no condom used. So here we are twenty somethings and thirty somethings ( and other ages too), grown, who know better, who know the Lord, who love God, who know that there's a FATAL disease out there called AIDS THAT DOESN'T CARE HOW OLD OR YOUNG YOU ARE, YOUR RACE, YOUR ETHNIC BACKGROUND, WHETHER YOU HAVE KIDS, WHETHER IT'S THE FIRST TIME OR THE 15TH TIME YOU'VE HAD SEX, WHETHER THE PERSON YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH IS THE ONE YOU LOVE OR NOT, some of us who even know the huge emotional baggage that goes along with having sex.....and not only are we having sex, we don't even use a condom.
We're so hungry for affection, for touch, for affirmation that we throw caution totally to the wind and hope for the best.
That's allot of us....more than we would like to admit to ourselves. Yet we think we can date and nothing bad is going to happen to us because we have "self control."
Do you see anything wrong with this picture?
Again, I don't believe that all dating is bad, and I do believe that a man and a woman who like each other and are attracted to each other can get to know each other, yeah even by dating...but I believe that it can only be a good thing if both people know their weaknesses and not try to act like they have all the self control in the world and take the necessary precautions. I also believe that if a man doesn't really see me as potentially being his wife, and I don't see him as potentially being my husband, it's kind of a waste of time....mine and his.
Someone asked the question at the conference, "well if you don't date, then how do you get to know the other person?"
A response: "my steps are ordered by the Lord....and He'll orchestrate it, not me."
I'm paraphrasing of course. In a nutshell, I agree.
I believe that those of us that God has called to be married ( and I don't believe that all of us are), He has called us to be married to one specific person to bring about one specific purpose that cannot be done unless we partner in life with that other person . See it's not even about us. That being the case, it would mean that God has need of those two people, and has need for them to be together, and He will orchestrate everything. He'll orchestrate how they meet, how they get to know each other, their friendship, etc.
I believe that so strongly that I believe even if when we decide to put certain parameters on that we're going to abide by such as "I don't date people at work." or "I could never be with someone at school or at my church" or "I only like light-skinned men" or even "I'm done. Love is not a part of my life." that God will override them if it's necessary to bring about his purpose.
I believe that the act of conventional dating, and serial monogamy (the act of being "boyfriend and girlfriend" or "going together") is actually an illusion. It fools you into thinking that you're in covenant with someone (especially us women) and that you all are a union ordained by God, when the truth is, you're not.....and you're actually not in covenant with them. That being the case, I really think in most cases, it probably causes more harm then good.
It is actually possible for a man and a woman who like each other to get to know each other without being at a romantic restaurant with the man in a suit and the woman in a beautiful dress, both of them wreaking of cologne and perfume driving each other crazy, revving up each other's hormones and pheromones and listening to soft music as they talk about what they want in a relationship................... oh I forgot...along with close slow dances. :-) LOL
Maybe they can just meet with their friends at IHOP and talk life and crack jokes. Maybe. Or maybe they can meet for lunch and talk about the presidential campaign and cartoons they watched (or watch in my case LOL)
Maybe they can focus on just getting to know each other and really becoming friends. Real friends. Friends don't talk seductively to each other. Friends don't try to put on something that's gonna drive the other person crazy and make them incredibly sexually frustrated...(brothers and sisters in Christ don't do that either.)
Given the current state of affairs, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea if what we know as "dating" is revamped.
You've heard what I think, what do you think? Let's discuss. It's OK if we disagree....that's why every one's different. Maybe our opinions can give each other some perspective.
Should Christians date? Why or why not?
Please respond.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Sexual abuse, the effects part 1
Have you ever been compelled to do something?
Driven?
Like if you didn't do it, somehow...things just wouldn't be right.
I went to a convention this weekend. (That's part of the reason why the blog is so late...forgive me.) I learned some powerful life changing information about how to change your financial legacy and actually be able to do what God says in his word in Proverbs 13:22. ("A good man leaves an inheritance for his children's children.") There was so much powerful information. The good thing is that I learned (or relearned I should say) that simply by doing something good and just and right can this come to pass.
The thing is that even though this company that I'm a part of has a large vision, there are visions within the vision. Personal dreams, personal visions, personal goals.
As I was sitting there God re-awakened a dream that he had given me some time ago. It's a dream that consumes me day and night now. It surprisingly doesn't have that much to do with the performing arts, although those who know me well know I live and breath the performing arts, but this thing is a unique ministry project. A difficult ministry project, and definitely one that I need God to orchestrate.
A few months ago, I watched a report on msnbc. The report was about sex slavery in the United States. Yes...you read that correctly, I said in the United States. Not in Africa or Thailand or Haiti or Mexico, although some form of sex slavery goes on in those countries also. No, this is happening right here in red white and blue, the land of opportunity.
According to the report, young girl from Mexico and some other Spanish speaking countries if I'm not mistaken are secretly being smuggled out of their countries into the US by way of Texas and set up to live in people's homes. The trap is a common one, their families are told that they are going to study and build a better life for themselves...better than the one that they have in their own country. When these young girl arrive expecting a family to love them and take care of them and expecting to learn and go to to school like other kids their age, they are put in bondage; being forced to commit sexual acts and favors for grown men, or risk their chance at an opportunity to learn.
Now I know it's easy to say to yourself "how could anyone fall for that?" That's so easy to say. Maybe because we don't really want to believe that something like that can happen in the world in which we live let alone our very own country with it's reputation for being such a great place.
But it can and it does, and these young girls are vulnerable to it because they're in need; they live in poverty, they don't have many options. When you're that desperate, there's no telling what you'll do or what you'll believe. Also keep in mind that some of these girls are twelve, thirteen years old and their captors are grown men who are bigger and stronger than them.
So anyways, God has commissioned me to do something about that. Something big. More details on that later.
Every time I think about this I get tears in my eyes as I think about my own experience with sexual molestation at the age of five. I know how incredibly impactful that had been in my life and how dirty and broken I felt. All this and it was only a one time occurrence in my experience. To know that there are young girls made to perform sexual acts and have sexual intercourse with grown men consistently and continually (not a one time occurrence) is not only something I can not easily swallow or understand; my heart breaks every time I think of those girls and the aftereffects that will continue to haunt them as they grow older.
One of the subjects that comes up for me is how someone who has been victimized in that way can be so negative about relationships. Others are self destructive in relationships and still others are heavily reliant on them. Some grow to be confused about their gender and their sexuality because of this victimization. Some become drug addicts and alcoholics and depressed people who dream of dying.
I know in my own experience, my molestation at that tender age served to jump start my own constant feelings of rejection, bitterness, anger, along with a feeling of being damaged, no good, broken, something no one would ever want. I wonder how many people have had incredibly dysfunctional relationships with the opposite sex as a direct result of some sort of early childhood sexual abuse. I mean sexual violation at any age is horrific, but there's something even more monstrous about that kind of victimization being inflicted on a child.
Although I'm not a parent, I do have a love for children and young people and I cannot even remotely imagine how someone could make the decision to hurt a child in that way. I wish I could say it makes me angry, but mostly it just makes me sad. The fact of the matter is what the bible says is true; that the devil only comes to steal, to kill and to destroy( John 10:10); and he's very strategic in his attack. His attack of early childhood sexual abuse is his way of trying to destroy us, and not just us personally, but our families, our friends, our spouses and future spouses if we are to be married.
I have a request from you who are reading this. I'm imploring you to respond to this blog. This may be the most important blog you've ever responded to. Remember you always have the option of being anonymous if you wish.
Let me ask you a question...
have you ever been sexually abused?
If so, did it happen as a child?
How did that effect how you felt about sex?
How did it effect how you felt about yourself?
How about the opposite sex?
How about love in general?
Can you say that you've completely been healed or does it still effect you?
If so, how?
Are you a man who's been sexually abused as a child?
My goal with these questions is not to drudge up old memories that are going to cause you unnecessary pain. It is to make the devil out to be a liar. It is to pull the covers off of his devices. One of the ways he gets us is with silence; as long as we keep it hidden and keep it silent, we can't be healed. So the reason why I'm asking you to respond to these questions is not to hurt you; it is for you and others to receive COMPLETE healing.
I pray that you respond and let your testimony do what it was set out to do...minister to others.
Most importantly, my prayer is that even if old hurtful memories are drudged up by these questions, that God would show you how much He loves you and how much of a healer he really is. I pray that he will meet you as you lay your head to pillow tonight and that he hold you, comfort you and kiss you just like the loving father that he is until you receive the fullness of His healing power.
A special note to men: PLEASE DO NOT HESITATE TO REPLY TO THIS BLOG! Sexual abuse doesn't just happen to little girls and I think that many times we as a society tend to focus on female sexual abuse as if little boys do not become victims also. They do...and they grow up to be men who've been sexually assaulted, exploited or otherwise abused. MEN WE NEED YOUR TESTIMONY. Again you're safe here....and you can be anonymous if you choose to. I'm believing God that you stepping out and bringing this out in the open will usher you into your complete healing and the restoration of our families; yours and mine in Jesus' Name.
Be blessed.
Yours in Christ.
Sarah E. Rios
Creator and Founder
Monday, September 1, 2008
I found out a few days ago that someone who I used to minister with has gone on to be with the Lord. Twenty four year old awesome man of God. A worshipper, definitely worshiper. Gone. Lung failure. Yeah I know, doesn't make sense....doesn't make sense to me either.
I still can't believe that he's not here and that I can't call him up and act silly with him or say his name funny. Something feels wrong about that.
God has shown me something through this event. One, he's shown me that life is short. Even when people live to be 70,80,90 or even 100 years old...life is still but a vapor. It seems like you're here one minute and you're gone the next. Especially when someone you love and care about dies at 24.
The thing is that life is sooooo short. One of my favorite movies is one called "American History X" with Edward Norton. One of the lines in the film is "life's too short to be pissed off all the time." God has shown me through this tragedy that life's too short to be afraid all the time.
Here's what's interesting...even though God has said that to me, it's still something I have to work at, and life is still scary sometimes.
A few years ago, after finding out that a guy I was seeing was seeing someone else and never bothered to tell me, I became angry and distant...but eventually I fell to my knees and begged God for deliverance. What was I asking to be delivered from: love. I didn't want to feel the way I felt about this man about any other human being ever again in life. I couldn't stand the pain of it, so I thought. God's reply came the next day. "No" he said. "Why" I asked. "There's an awesome man of God that I've created you for." I reluctantly said "OK" to God and went about my life. Of course when I found myself having feelings for someone else, I went through the same level of anxiety that I did before only now it was intensified. I did what I always do...tried to hurry this process along. The man stared, I got annoyed and gave him my number one day. We talked for a while. He got engaged to someone else. That was the last straw. I was done. At that point, I didn't care what God had to say....I was extremely determined not to EVER feel that type of pain again, EVER.
So again, I go about my merry way. Then God throws me a curve ball. He puts a man in my face that I can't ignore....that it seems like no matter how mean I am to him doesn't seem to stop having the ability to see me, I mean the real me and somehow seem like he still wants to know her (the real me)....and that he maybe asking the same question of God that I am......
Meanwhile, I had decided I was done remember....so I do everything in my power to sabotage any hope of friendship or even cordiality with this man.
Mean while here's God saying "Relax. Get to know him. Don't be afraid. Let me show you." and here's me going "for what? Why do I have to get to know him? I already know how it's gonna end, why bother....?"
Of course God's word NEVER changed concerning that situation.
And even now all these years later, that same sort of fear still lurks...even in the midst of the passing of my friend, even in knowing how short life is, it's still there. I still have doubts. God has said that everything will work out and that it will all occur according to his will.....but to be honest, I'm still a little scared. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. The bible says this: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7
I know that spirit of fear is not of God and it doesn't come from God. But it's still scary.
So here's the question:
what do you do when you feel and sense that God is saying something that doesn't make any sense to you? How do you step out on faith and trust him even when it's completely illogical (to you)? How do you TRUST in the fact that good or bad, something as simple as being nice to someone or just being open to friendship that may lead to love (not even a definite) will eventually make you better, and that even if it ends in a dissapointing way, that you'll be ok and the pain of the rejection won't kill you? How on earth do you step out on faith and trust God and walk it out when you've perfected the art of running away?
Give me your input on this....let's be healed together.
Sarah E. Rios
Founder and Creator
I still can't believe that he's not here and that I can't call him up and act silly with him or say his name funny. Something feels wrong about that.
God has shown me something through this event. One, he's shown me that life is short. Even when people live to be 70,80,90 or even 100 years old...life is still but a vapor. It seems like you're here one minute and you're gone the next. Especially when someone you love and care about dies at 24.
The thing is that life is sooooo short. One of my favorite movies is one called "American History X" with Edward Norton. One of the lines in the film is "life's too short to be pissed off all the time." God has shown me through this tragedy that life's too short to be afraid all the time.
Here's what's interesting...even though God has said that to me, it's still something I have to work at, and life is still scary sometimes.
A few years ago, after finding out that a guy I was seeing was seeing someone else and never bothered to tell me, I became angry and distant...but eventually I fell to my knees and begged God for deliverance. What was I asking to be delivered from: love. I didn't want to feel the way I felt about this man about any other human being ever again in life. I couldn't stand the pain of it, so I thought. God's reply came the next day. "No" he said. "Why" I asked. "There's an awesome man of God that I've created you for." I reluctantly said "OK" to God and went about my life. Of course when I found myself having feelings for someone else, I went through the same level of anxiety that I did before only now it was intensified. I did what I always do...tried to hurry this process along. The man stared, I got annoyed and gave him my number one day. We talked for a while. He got engaged to someone else. That was the last straw. I was done. At that point, I didn't care what God had to say....I was extremely determined not to EVER feel that type of pain again, EVER.
So again, I go about my merry way. Then God throws me a curve ball. He puts a man in my face that I can't ignore....that it seems like no matter how mean I am to him doesn't seem to stop having the ability to see me, I mean the real me and somehow seem like he still wants to know her (the real me)....and that he maybe asking the same question of God that I am......
Meanwhile, I had decided I was done remember....so I do everything in my power to sabotage any hope of friendship or even cordiality with this man.
Mean while here's God saying "Relax. Get to know him. Don't be afraid. Let me show you." and here's me going "for what? Why do I have to get to know him? I already know how it's gonna end, why bother....?"
Of course God's word NEVER changed concerning that situation.
And even now all these years later, that same sort of fear still lurks...even in the midst of the passing of my friend, even in knowing how short life is, it's still there. I still have doubts. God has said that everything will work out and that it will all occur according to his will.....but to be honest, I'm still a little scared. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. The bible says this: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7
I know that spirit of fear is not of God and it doesn't come from God. But it's still scary.
So here's the question:
what do you do when you feel and sense that God is saying something that doesn't make any sense to you? How do you step out on faith and trust him even when it's completely illogical (to you)? How do you TRUST in the fact that good or bad, something as simple as being nice to someone or just being open to friendship that may lead to love (not even a definite) will eventually make you better, and that even if it ends in a dissapointing way, that you'll be ok and the pain of the rejection won't kill you? How on earth do you step out on faith and trust God and walk it out when you've perfected the art of running away?
Give me your input on this....let's be healed together.
Sarah E. Rios
Founder and Creator
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