Forgiveness. The Merriam Webster's online definition of the word forgive is to give up resentment of or claim to requital for. Another definition says: to grant relief from payment of (like a debt) or to cease to feel resentment against an offender. Still another definition states that forgiveness is the process of allowing room for error or weakness.
In this journey of life, there will always be opportunities to be hurt and to have to forgive. Now can I be honest with you? I've had a problem with this concept for a very long time. So you mean to tell me on top of all the pain I've already experienced, that I'm SURE to experience more pain? On top of that, I have to forgive the people who cause that pain? What?
To be honest with you, I really believed with all my heart that the amount of pain that I experienced in my formidable years would somehow exempt me from feeling any more. I know that may sound silly, but then again those of us who have been through ugly things like abuse; verbal, physical, sexual, emotional in our childhood....we understand. We understand what it means to be angry or to be offended at the idea of being hurt.
In that space, it's very easy to doubt God's love for you. I remember having a conversation about love and marriage with someone. I, of course was telling her how I just didn't feel like it was a possibility for me based on what I have experienced, to which she answered firmly "see you don't believe God." The way that she answered denoted that she didn't understand how in the world I couldn't have believed God.....but my silent response to her at the time was "uh no, you mean you do? How could you?" Of course in the Christian circle, none of us can exactly admit that there are times where we may not necessarily believe EVERYTHING that God says...especially if life has disappointed us time and time again. Needless to say she never heard me say those words.
Years later, I can honestly say that I've grown a great deal since then; and God has truly done a work in me. However, there are still times when trusting God is hard. What does that have to do with forgiveness? I'm glad you asked. Actually, that has everything to do with forgiveness. Forgiveness has everything to do with trusting God and trusting God has everything to do with forgiveness. A couple of weeks ago, I saw someone who I hadn't seen in a very long time. This person is someone who I suspect of spreading rumors about me. This is someone who I made the mistake of trusting with sensitive information concerning my personal life. Now I don't have any hard evidence that this person was spewing my inconsistencies everywhere and putting her own little spin on things. But somehow, I just sense it. I know some may think that is terribly paranoid. Regardless of that, I do feel that she did and said exactly what I suspect her of doing and saying.
When I saw her, particularly with the group of people that I saw her with.....let's just say I was not a happy camper. My head started to hurt, my blood pressure went up, my pulse began to race; I became angry about things that had transpired more than a year ago all over again. Here's the clincher; I really and truly thought I was over all the anger and hurt that I originally felt. The fact that I was that upset at just the sight of someone actually frustrated me.
"I thought I was over this," I thought to myself. Some time ago, before this particular incident, when I was talking to God about how betrayed I felt by her and others, God showed me that the root of my unforgiveness towards them and my stubborn unwillingness to release them from the hurt that I experienced was my blatant lack of trust in Him. He would ask me so gently "do you trust me daughter?" I wouldn't answer. "Sarah, do you trust me?" He would ask again, almost with a heartbreaking tone. Finally, knowing that I couldn't pretend with God; I replied "No God, I'm sorry but sometimes, I don't." "Why not?" He asked.
At that point I went about the business of telling God of all these painful things that had happened in my life. I knew that He knew about them, but I almost felt like he wanted me to tell Him about them. So I did. It was painful. I told him again about the childhood sexual and emotional abuse. I retold him about the pain of being rejected over and over again by family and peers. I told him about being lonely as a child. I told him about having handicapped sisters who I couldn't learn from and talk to like other children could learn from their siblings. I told him about this feeling of being an outcast continuing all through elementary and high school. Of course, I told him about the pain of being rejected by men over and over again. I told him about having every single man that I ever cared for in romantic way NEVER feel that way about me. Actual or perceived, my rejection was real and I told Him about it. "How can you love me and allow these things to happen to me God? I just don't understand." That was my response to him.
Through tears I also said "...and on top of it, the one thing that I've asked you for and begged you for which is that you would totally and completely eradicate my desire for male companionship, you will not do. I mean, you are God, you can; and you know that it's the main source of my pain, yet you wont....I just don't understand God."
I said all of this to God. God in His sovereignty, wisdom and faithful care of me simply told me that with every pain, with every rejection, with the sexual and emotional abuse, that He was never in heaven watching lackadaisically while his daughter was being hurt. In fact He said these words: "My heart was breaking." Of course I wanted to know if God's heart was breaking, why didn't he do something to stop it? "I did" He said. "Huh?" I thought. It's a hard concept but, with the existence of free will, God doesn't force humanity to do anything that they don't want to do. We always have a choice, including the people who hurt us, abused us and offended us. However, God will repay, God will restore, God will avenge and God will renew. As a matter of fact, He did and He continues to.
To me, it would be easier if He just would have made someone bite their tongue when they were getting ready to pick on me, or let the man who sexually abused me at my uncle's house that day have a car accident or something on the way there. Since God didn't do that....I did question his love for me, and I didn't trust Him at all. The fact that I was in a place where I felt so strongly and cared so deeply for yet another man after I swore to myself and told God that I would never allow myself to go back there again definitely added to my gross mistrust of God.
Why wouldn't 'he just take it away? Why wouldn't he just let me protect myself? How could God love me? These are all the questions that I asked. The bible says that out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. (Mathew 12:34) Those are the questions that were in my heart. The fact that I had those questions were proof that I did not trust God at all with certain area of my life. I didn't trust him with my desire for male friendship and companionship, and I didn't trust him to avenge me if someone hurt me or did me wrong. So in my eyes, the people who had hurt me, whether they were the kids who picked on me in the past or the people who betrayed my trust in the present were simply getting away with what they did. I was angry about that.
At the same time, I was saddened by that, but I liked the emotion of anger better. I felt less powerless and less like a victim when I went on the offensive. Even recently, I had began my plan of attack in my own head and how I would punish those who hurt me. I would be determined that I wasn't EVER going to let them off the hook...EVER. I didn't even realize how much of my life they were controlling.
Finally, God said to me that He would avenge me, and that He would show me how much He actually loved me since that was a concept that was hard for me to digest. That was about two weeks ago. Knowing what God is about to do with me in ministry,in love and in life, and knowing where He's leading me (which happens to be right back into the company of some of the very people who hurt me), of course I would begin planning my attack. It was a quiet attack I was planning, nevertheless it was an attack. I was thinking of what I would respond if asked certain questions, and how I would mercilessly hurt feelings if certain people said anything to me, particularly about one area in my life.
Guess what, God reminded me....like the great Dad that He is..."Sarah, what are you doing?" "Why are you planning your attack on these people?" To which I would answer, I just know that I have to be prepared to protect myself because I know they're going to have all kinds of opinions. You know what God said? "Who cares about their opinions? It doesn't matter what they think. My opinion of you is the only one that counts." Now if you're familiar with the voice of God, you know that God is just that matter of fact and straightforward, even when holding you in His arms. All I could say at that point was "Lord, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. Please help me."
Truly forgiving takes faith....and since developing faith in God is a process, forgiveness is also a process. Joyce Meyer has a teaching series called "Do yourself a favor and forgive." What a powerful and true statement. Someone else said that harboring unforgiveness against those who hurt you is like drinking poison and waiting for them to die. Newsflash to all of us: people hurt people. So if you live here, on this earth, you WILL be hurt by people; even by those people that you would never think would hurt you will. Definitely. Believers will hurt you, nonbelievers will hurt you, people you serve in ministry with will hurt you, people you don't serve in ministry with will hurt you, if you're called to be married; your spouse will hurt you, your friends will hurt you, your family will hurt you, people who you think should be further along in their spiritual development will hurt you, if you have children, they will hurt you. Th bottom line is you will be hurt by people.
I used to think that maybe if I just isolated myself and not let anyone in that I wouldn't get hurt. I found that I was incorrect. No matter what, people will hurt you. The challenge to us is to forgive them when they do. Sometimes that's hard, either because we haven't forgiven those people that hurt us before, or we haven't forgiven God for what our finite minds may think was God's attack on our lives, or because the offenses were so severe that they have wrapped their icy fingers around our very soul. Whatever the reason for unforgiveness, we have to abandon it and forgive. It's not really for the sake of others, it's for our sake.
I know it's hard. It's a process that I'm still in the middle of myself. But when I think about all that God has wanted to do in my life that I have been blocking with unforgiveness, and when I think of all that I could have done for God that I was unable to do because of unforgiveness, it occurs to me that my offenders are not worth that type of energy. In actuality, they're not even the real offenders. Your offenders aren't the real culprits either, it's really a cover. The real culprit in all of this: the devil. The bible says this: Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. (I Peter 5:8) His goal is to distract us away from the real enemy which is not in fact other people, but the devil himself.
Once, I heard Bishop Jakes say that the devil will use anything against you, he doesn't care what it is. He will use rejection, abandonment, your first marriage, your first boy/girlfriend, you teacher, your friends, your favorite TV show, etc. Another thing important to note about the devil is that he has no honor. We all have people we don't too much care for, and moreover we have people who we flat out do not like. But even in that, there's a line that we will not cross, no matter how angry we become and no matter what we might say. We have a God given limit. The devil on the other hand, does not. He doesn't have any honor and his goal is to kill. In fact the Bible says the devil comes to kill, to steal and to destroy. (John 10:10)
We can't let whatever hurt or offense that we've experienced, no matter how grievous poison our lives with bitterness, low self esteem, jealousy and resentment. We can't allow unforgiveness to crawl into our hearts and take up enough residency to make us physically sick. Every time I have gotten angry over something from my past, I would get a headache or a chest pain. Just this morning, God said to me "Sarah, do you feel that?", speaking of the pain that I felt in my chest as a result of allowing myself to become angry about the betrayal I felt. He was reminding me of why I have to let it go.
The fact is we do have to let things go, and know that God will avenge us. As a matter of fact God promises that vengeance is his and He WILL repay. (Deuteronomy 32:35) In that same passage He goes on to say: In due time their foot will slip; their day of disaster is near and their doom rushes upon them. He was speaking about our enemies. God wants to avenge us and justify us, and trust and believe that He will. But if we don't forgive those people who hurt us, we never allow God to step in and repay them for what they did or to repay us for our pain because we keep trying to do it ourselves. Forgiveness is a necessity to have the life that Jesus died to give us.
It's important for us to know that forgiveness is a process. We won't always feel like forgiving them. Sometimes we'll think we're over something and then be reminded of it and have to say out loud that we forgive them again and again. But as tedious as it is, we need to be committed to the process in order to apprehend all that God wants for us and in order receive all the blessings He wants to give us. We need to know that God is our strong tower and our defense. (Psalm 61:3, Proverbs 18:10) It is not necessary for us to be defensive. We can trust God to defend us.
All these are concepts that we have to transfer from head knowledge to heart knowledge, me being at the top of the list. It is a process, but it can be done. God can do anything. He's able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think. (Ephesians 3:20) All we have to do is start the process of trusting Him and letting Him heal and prove Himself to us. I pray God would give us the grace to receive His love and to allow Him to heal us by releasing the people who have wronged us.
Sarah E. Rios
Love Heals All Wounds
Founder and Creator
www.lovehealsalwounds.blogspot.com
www.myspace.com/lovehealsallwounds1
www.lovehealsallwounds.hi5.com
lovehealsallwounds1@gmail.com
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Be Careful....don't go backwards, it's easier than you think
Something happened on Sunday. During worship service,I found myself completely overcome with hurt over something that happened years ago. I really THOUGHT I had forgiven all the people involved. Funny thing about hurt; sometimes you think you're healed and then you realize that there's still some more healing that needs to take place. I sat there, thinking. God has made it clear to me that he has every intention of restoring me to my rightful place in ministry, but guess what? As I sat there thinking about the prospect of ministering to people and with people who hugged me with knives in their hands (so to speak), I just became so very angry at them.
I know that this is the year of divine multiplication and I'm a Christian and we're not supposed to speak negatively, but I feel sometimes it's extremely necessary to just be real. I think that may be the component that's missing from allot of ministry today, the realness. No one can relate to you if you're not real about your struggles and your issues. You just look like some super human who never has any problems or never struggles with anything, a goal that no human being can even hope to ever attain. In that space, (at least from my perspective) you actually end up condemning people without meaning to because they figure that being a Christian must mean they have to have it all together and since nobody does, people either walk away from God altogether, or they conclude that this must be the extent of their existence. It never occurs to them that God can use them right in their imperfection, because they see a perfect image (or what they think is a perfect image) before them that they know they can never measure up to.
Anyways, so I sat there in worship service, thinking and mulling over stuff. To be honest with you, I started off being kind of annoyed that I had to sit in the overflow at my church. The best way to explain that: worship service just isn't the same in the overflow. There's just something about being in the main sanctuary (at least at my church) that once you experience it, you never want to worship in the overflow again; it just feels far away somehow. So I was kind of annoyed about that, but what could I do, I was running late and the other people got there early, so I had to deal with it.
But then, as I was sitting there, just the prospect of serving in ministry with the very people that hurt me (some of them I don't really know for sure all the details of how I just have a sense of it), something about serving in ministry with and ministering to the very people who gossiped about me, who lied to me and about me, who made me out to be someone who I am not while acting like they were my friends and they genuinely cared about me just made me so angry; but it wasn't an aggressive anger. It was an anger that was mixed with allot of sadness and disappointment.
Of course I heard the Lord say to me right then "you have to forgive them," and "what they think doesn't really matter." But all I could respond is "I'm SO angry at them." I mean here I was trusting people, the people of God no less with not just information, but with an extremely difficult struggle that I've had since I was a child; and here they were, again the people of God not only not understanding, not caring to understand, and beyond that; using that very struggle against me; for many of them simply for their own selfish gain. I didn't even want to be nice to them. I felt like I did towards the end of high school and most of college like my smile and me being myself was on reserve and definitely did not get rationed out to anyone who I didn't trust, at all. Meanwhile, here's God telling me to trust him, forgive them and not be afraid to be myself. Be myself...with them? Smile at them? This may not make sense to you, but for me, when I get in that space, smiling simply feels like I'm letting people into my world; even if it's just a little bit. So I became very afraid that if I would "go back to normal" with them and proceed to "be myself" that somehow that would be like saying that what they did was OK, or like inviting them to disappoint me and hurt me all over AGAIN.
The anger continued in spurts; even last night. I found myself thinking about everything that had transpired over the years, and I just got mad and hurt all over again, and again and again. All I could do was think about how even though I struggled to FINALLY let them in a little bit and at the very least be cordial sometimes, how that turned into me being branded as someone who I'm not because that's how they painted me.
There's a possibility that maybe the reason why it has a tendency to create that much anger is because I know of the countless women who may not be able to articulate their pain, or who may manifest their fear of love differently then I did who may go home and put guns in their mouths or blades to their wrist since no one is even trying to understand where they're coming from and every time someone tells her "stop chasing him"or something like that, it's like cutting her with a knife. Maybe that's why I get so angry. Or it maybe that it's just my flesh that feels rejected again by people after I swore to myself that no one would EVER get another chance to reject me.
It could be the sheer frustration of having that fear steal me from myself in the sense that as long as I wasn't in that environment, I was bubbly, I was goofy, I told jokes, I was totally and naturally myself; but then when I was in that environment, I was on reserve. I never laughed, I never smiled, I was afraid to; afraid of getting hurt...not just by a man, but by people in general( which ended up coming true.)
I think it's probably all of those things wrapped into one. Here's what I learned last night. After several hours of not even being able to fall asleep, I was able to articulate to God that I felt like they got away with it; like they get to paint me as this crazy girl while they plot and gossip and spread traffic and rumors and they get off Scot free, while I suffer for it. I thought to myself "where is the justice in that?"
Then this morning, God said to me that He is sovereign, and that He is just and that it's really not up to me to exact revenge on anyone. He further went on to tell me that this was just another way the devil was trying to get me to forfeit on my destiny, my purpose and my ministry. He repeated to me that I have to forgive them. You know what's annoying, I thought I did. I really did. I guess I forgave them as long as I didn't ever have to share space with them...which isn't really true forgiveness.
I learned a valuable lesson. The devil is RELENTLESS in his pursuit to destroy us. He'll use anything against you. He can't make you do anything so what he does is attacks your mind and your emotions. Because of that, falling back into something that God has delivered you out of can be allot easier than we think. I revisited another lesson that God taught me some time ago, forgiveness is a process. Just because you say you forgive someone one time, doesn't mean that you actually have. You can't wait to feel like forgiving them. You have to forgive them as soon as possible. You may even have to say it over and over again until it's true. I'm still in that process. Sometimes it hurts to say the words "I forgive them" when I think of how they hurt me. But I know that I have to say it.
As you're reading this, you may struggle with forgiveness. Or maybe you have a different struggle. I don't know which category you fall into. I have some advice to all of us: it's important to relentlessly seek after God and relentlessly seek after healing and peace. We do have an adversary who roams around like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. (I Peter 5:8) The other thing that's important for us to remember: our battle is not against flesh and blood. People are not the enemy. That's a hard pill to swallow especially when you consider things, but it's true. The Bible says this: "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." (Ephesians 6:12) In that same letter, Paul goes on to say that we should take up the whole armour of God. We need Godly armour in order to defend ourselves against the negative thought planted by the enemy. I pray that as God continues to work on me, and teach me how to truly forgive and let go, that he would also give you the grace to do the same and to know that you can overcome whatever challenge you're currently facing.
Be blessed.
Sarah E. Rios
Founder and Creator
lovehealsallwounds1@gmail.com
www.lovehealsallwounds.blogspot.com
www.myspace.com/lovehealsallwounds1
www.lovehealsallwounds.hi5.com
I know that this is the year of divine multiplication and I'm a Christian and we're not supposed to speak negatively, but I feel sometimes it's extremely necessary to just be real. I think that may be the component that's missing from allot of ministry today, the realness. No one can relate to you if you're not real about your struggles and your issues. You just look like some super human who never has any problems or never struggles with anything, a goal that no human being can even hope to ever attain. In that space, (at least from my perspective) you actually end up condemning people without meaning to because they figure that being a Christian must mean they have to have it all together and since nobody does, people either walk away from God altogether, or they conclude that this must be the extent of their existence. It never occurs to them that God can use them right in their imperfection, because they see a perfect image (or what they think is a perfect image) before them that they know they can never measure up to.
Anyways, so I sat there in worship service, thinking and mulling over stuff. To be honest with you, I started off being kind of annoyed that I had to sit in the overflow at my church. The best way to explain that: worship service just isn't the same in the overflow. There's just something about being in the main sanctuary (at least at my church) that once you experience it, you never want to worship in the overflow again; it just feels far away somehow. So I was kind of annoyed about that, but what could I do, I was running late and the other people got there early, so I had to deal with it.
But then, as I was sitting there, just the prospect of serving in ministry with the very people that hurt me (some of them I don't really know for sure all the details of how I just have a sense of it), something about serving in ministry with and ministering to the very people who gossiped about me, who lied to me and about me, who made me out to be someone who I am not while acting like they were my friends and they genuinely cared about me just made me so angry; but it wasn't an aggressive anger. It was an anger that was mixed with allot of sadness and disappointment.
Of course I heard the Lord say to me right then "you have to forgive them," and "what they think doesn't really matter." But all I could respond is "I'm SO angry at them." I mean here I was trusting people, the people of God no less with not just information, but with an extremely difficult struggle that I've had since I was a child; and here they were, again the people of God not only not understanding, not caring to understand, and beyond that; using that very struggle against me; for many of them simply for their own selfish gain. I didn't even want to be nice to them. I felt like I did towards the end of high school and most of college like my smile and me being myself was on reserve and definitely did not get rationed out to anyone who I didn't trust, at all. Meanwhile, here's God telling me to trust him, forgive them and not be afraid to be myself. Be myself...with them? Smile at them? This may not make sense to you, but for me, when I get in that space, smiling simply feels like I'm letting people into my world; even if it's just a little bit. So I became very afraid that if I would "go back to normal" with them and proceed to "be myself" that somehow that would be like saying that what they did was OK, or like inviting them to disappoint me and hurt me all over AGAIN.
The anger continued in spurts; even last night. I found myself thinking about everything that had transpired over the years, and I just got mad and hurt all over again, and again and again. All I could do was think about how even though I struggled to FINALLY let them in a little bit and at the very least be cordial sometimes, how that turned into me being branded as someone who I'm not because that's how they painted me.
There's a possibility that maybe the reason why it has a tendency to create that much anger is because I know of the countless women who may not be able to articulate their pain, or who may manifest their fear of love differently then I did who may go home and put guns in their mouths or blades to their wrist since no one is even trying to understand where they're coming from and every time someone tells her "stop chasing him"or something like that, it's like cutting her with a knife. Maybe that's why I get so angry. Or it maybe that it's just my flesh that feels rejected again by people after I swore to myself that no one would EVER get another chance to reject me.
It could be the sheer frustration of having that fear steal me from myself in the sense that as long as I wasn't in that environment, I was bubbly, I was goofy, I told jokes, I was totally and naturally myself; but then when I was in that environment, I was on reserve. I never laughed, I never smiled, I was afraid to; afraid of getting hurt...not just by a man, but by people in general( which ended up coming true.)
I think it's probably all of those things wrapped into one. Here's what I learned last night. After several hours of not even being able to fall asleep, I was able to articulate to God that I felt like they got away with it; like they get to paint me as this crazy girl while they plot and gossip and spread traffic and rumors and they get off Scot free, while I suffer for it. I thought to myself "where is the justice in that?"
Then this morning, God said to me that He is sovereign, and that He is just and that it's really not up to me to exact revenge on anyone. He further went on to tell me that this was just another way the devil was trying to get me to forfeit on my destiny, my purpose and my ministry. He repeated to me that I have to forgive them. You know what's annoying, I thought I did. I really did. I guess I forgave them as long as I didn't ever have to share space with them...which isn't really true forgiveness.
I learned a valuable lesson. The devil is RELENTLESS in his pursuit to destroy us. He'll use anything against you. He can't make you do anything so what he does is attacks your mind and your emotions. Because of that, falling back into something that God has delivered you out of can be allot easier than we think. I revisited another lesson that God taught me some time ago, forgiveness is a process. Just because you say you forgive someone one time, doesn't mean that you actually have. You can't wait to feel like forgiving them. You have to forgive them as soon as possible. You may even have to say it over and over again until it's true. I'm still in that process. Sometimes it hurts to say the words "I forgive them" when I think of how they hurt me. But I know that I have to say it.
As you're reading this, you may struggle with forgiveness. Or maybe you have a different struggle. I don't know which category you fall into. I have some advice to all of us: it's important to relentlessly seek after God and relentlessly seek after healing and peace. We do have an adversary who roams around like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. (I Peter 5:8) The other thing that's important for us to remember: our battle is not against flesh and blood. People are not the enemy. That's a hard pill to swallow especially when you consider things, but it's true. The Bible says this: "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." (Ephesians 6:12) In that same letter, Paul goes on to say that we should take up the whole armour of God. We need Godly armour in order to defend ourselves against the negative thought planted by the enemy. I pray that as God continues to work on me, and teach me how to truly forgive and let go, that he would also give you the grace to do the same and to know that you can overcome whatever challenge you're currently facing.
Be blessed.
Sarah E. Rios
Founder and Creator
lovehealsallwounds1@gmail.com
www.lovehealsallwounds.blogspot.com
www.myspace.com/lovehealsallwounds1
www.lovehealsallwounds.hi5.com
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