Awareness of my mistakes

I thought that if I could just avoid making mistakes......
then maybe......

it occurs to me that mistakes cause pain, and that pain is caused by human mistake;

so if I could just avoid making any mistakes....
then I could avoid ever feeling pain....

or maybe I could at least minimize the pain...

certain pain is inevitable.....
if you go out today driving in your car and you have an accident that isn't your fault, then that pain is inevitable,

if you have someone step on your foot accidentally, that pain is unavoidable,

if you slam your fingers in a car door, that pain may be unavoidable.....

but then there's big pain...caused by BIG mistakes.

like being driven by anger and hurting someone you really care about,
or cheating on the spouse that God created for you or created you for,
or disappointing God,
or disappointing a human being that you love in a big way,
or pushing away those that you love;
or marrying the wrong person,
or being married when you were never supposed to be at all,
or never getting married when you actually are supposed to be,


that pain is allot bigger.
ALLOT BIGGER.

So I thought if I could just avoid making mistakes....
then I could surely avoid pain.

There's only one problem, I can't avoid mistakes.

I can't change the things I said,

I can't change the things they did,

I can't change the reactions they had....

I know I can't change them...
but somehow I figured if I could just somehow avoid these situations,
then maybe I could evade pain....

there's only one glitch in this theory...
humanity is filled with mistake and therefore filled with pain.....
pain and mistake is part of our humanity...
we all make them.....
we all make mistakes....
but somehow when others make mistakes that hurt us.....
sometimes it seems to hurt us more......

it does for me anyways....

maybe it's just that I'm more aware of the pain....
because I'm the one feeling the pain....

maybe it's because I've never really been able to relate well to the experiences of others.....

maybe it's because it never really occurred to me that men were even capable of feeling pain....
(or at least some of them.....)

and since I wanted to avoid pain, I felt like if I avoided them,
if I avoided love all together,

then I would have evaded pain.

Of course there's pain that will happen......
the pain I spoke about before,
the pain of loosing a loved one,
the pain of aging,
or even the pain of the actions of others like your family, your friends and your children,

but somehow none of that pain....
ever seemed to encompass to me
the pain of being betrayed by a man you've been bonded to...
the pain of being cheated on,
the pain of finding out that the man that you respected has fallen....

somehow that's a different type of pain...

I don't know why.....
it's a hurt to your hope, I guess....
like a hurt to your belief....
or at least for me.....

the pain of having your dreams dashed....

dreams of there actually being good men.....
actual Godly men,
men who love God more than they love themselves...
men who love God more than any sensation,

men who so love God that they can't betray him by mistreating his daughters........

somehow faced with their humanity you wanna ask the question "are there really any good men?I mean really do they exist at all?"

I'll admit that I never expected men to cheat...
I knew that some did, but I thought they had to be somehow depraved....
somehow incapable of love...
because what else is the explanation for treating another human being like that?
or so I thought.

or truthfully, say they're not cheating...
but they lie to get what they want....
same question applies.....


can you really love God and be like that?

But
Can you love God and be a drug addict?
Can you love God and hate people?

Can you love God and judge people?

Those are the question that answer the first one...


So looking at my own humanity.....there are many inconsistencies in me.....
but I guess somehow I had given an understanding for them all....
I would cut myself so much slack....
and other people got no slack at all.....and definitely men got no slack at all....

"He's not a human being!" I would respond...
How could he be.....?

"He aint saved, he's faking!" I would respond....
he has to be....

But....
what if he's not?
and what if he's faced with own humanity too?
then what do you do?

I know it's easy to write him off as not worthy of having love or marriage?

But if all sin is weighed the same, is anybody worth love or marriage?

All these questions only God can answer.

So.....
I guess I have to remember that.....
I make mistakes too.
SER