Could this be the origin of.........

What happens when someone hates who they are?

What do I mean by that? Well let's explore another question first before we develop that.
Now this may sound crazy, but go with me a little bit on this.....

Imagine that you are overweight. Everyone knows it, you know it, your family knows it, your friends know it, everyone knows it....

Now imagine that your experience with being overweight has gotten you talked about and picked on more times than you can count. Now imagine that you come to the conclusion that the absolute only reason why you're getting as berated as you are is because according to this society, you shouldn't be overweight. I mean let's ignore for a moment the health implications.
As a matter of fact, imagine with me that you are about 5'6 and you weight 135 pounds. Now if you're like me, you automatically think that there's no possible way that any one on the earth could think that you were overweight, I mean you seem about normal, right?
But what if you have anorexia or bulimia or some other disorder that makes your reflection look fat to you, no matter how people would tell you that you were not.

What if because of the perception that you carry about how the world you sees you, you begin to hate your body, hate the way you're shaped, hate the fact that you're overweight (real or perceived) hate society for treating you differently and like you're not worth as much simply because you're not as small as everyone else.

Do you think there's a possibility that you may begin to hate your body so much and maybe even hate the fact that you even have the desire to eat so much that you would rather starve?
You think so? Or maybe you think that's absolutely ridiculous...really? Have you ever met an anorexic or bulimic? Would you tell them that it's ridiculous? Do you think it's possible that they may percieve you to be saying that how they feel is not real and is all in their heads? How do you think they would take that? Do you think it would get them closer to healing or push them farther away?

So the question at the top of this blog was what happens when someone hates who they are... It occurs to me that there are people who hate who they are. They hate everything that makes them them. When you look at this from a carnal perspective it would be very easy to think that they're problem is simply a case of low self esteem. But I wonder if we could go deeper. Imagine a little girl who gets rejected all the time...by peers, by family by friends. Imagine that she has people telling her over and over and over some way or another how no man would ever want her because she's too this or too that. Now imagine that she grows up with a very real fear that love will not be a part of her life....at all. She also grows up with a very jaded and bad opinion about men. She grows up believing what has been taught and is being taught in many homes in the U.S and around the word, and even in churches which is the perception that men are only interested in using women for their own sexual gain, and to further their careers.

The thought patterns are preached and taught and laughed at even from pulpits and they are disguised in cute little saying like "a man is gonna be a man" and "men are dogs" and "men are just tryna get some." Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure that everyone who has said these statements did not mean to suggest that ALL men were that way; nevertheless that is what how it comes across to many of us.

SO anyways, let's get back to that little girl. So imagine that she grows up hearing all of this, and then in her young adult years, people (the same people who told her that men were dogs and they were only interested in getting what they could out of her) begin to tell her that she should be open and OK with the idea of a man chasing her and catching her; the very people that said that men were only interested in using her in the first place.

What if that little girl, as a young woman says to herself that she would rather die than become society's version of acceptable in order to get favor from a man who according to what church people and her mother and aunties say would never have the capacity to appreciate her anyway because they can only apprecite women who look good on their arm as an accessory. Do you think that woman could possibly begin to hate that part of herself that is attracted to anything masculine? Even she knows that it doesn't make any logical sense that every single man could think and feel that way; but what if that seed has been planted so deeply and watered so regularly by people who say things like "a man is not going to want..." or "men like....
or "men are dogs, some are the watch dogs, some are the dogs you pet, some are...." etc etc?

Why is it so far fetched that that woman could get to the point of hating that desire and hating herself for having it, and questioning God's love for her for putting it there? Here's a better question...what happens to that woman?

I wonder......

A few months ago, I was watching a special episode of the show Women Behind Bars and this particular episode was called "Transexual Prison." The entire show was devoted to telling the story of transsexuals (men that dressed as women) who ended up in jail for some reason or another. Now these men were not people who had gone in and actually had surgery, they simply dressed as women. They wore make-up, they sat like women, they talked like women, one could determine that they probably thought that they actually were women.

Now, this is where the blog gets strong so if you have young children or you're sensitive with these matters, I implore you to stop reading now. Accept the fact that I strongly feel that it is important to be real and to talk about these real issues that rear their ugly heads even in our churches; I would not even endeavor to speak about this.

There was one part of the program where the men were free to talk about the fact that either currently (at the time of the taping) or previous to them ending up in prison, they dressed as women. They expressed that they missed the priveledge of being able to dres up in women's clothing, and they also spoke about the stricness of prison and how thier option to have what some call "gender reassignement" surgery had been taken away. They spoke about getting to a point where they had a very real desire to mutilate themselves. In case you're wondering, yes that is exactly what I'm speaking about. They spoke of a desire to remove the part of their body that actually made them men. They spoke of actual attempts of this perpetrated by them on their own bodies. I know what you're thinking (especially if you're a man)...HOW ON EARTH COULD ANY MAN EVEN THINK OF DOING THAT? Just as I was wincing and asking that question, some of the interviewees began to answer it.

"What's the purpose of this on my body?" asked one man, "asking me to keep this is asking me to accept something that I hate." said another. "Asking me to keep this is asking me to accept something I HATE." Interesting. So he's a man, God created him as such, yet he HATES this fact. How heart breaking.

I think it's very easy for us as the church to chock those things up to people who are depraved and even to get in our comfort zone and simply think, well those people are just going to hell because they're an abomination. We quote the scripture all the time that says "You shall not lie with a man as with a woman; it is an abomination." (Leviticus 18:22) We have also quoted scriptures like I Corinthians 6:9,10 that says "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."

There are also scripture references in the New Testament that specifically call the act of a woman lying with another woman as unnatural. In Genesis, God clearly says that he created the woman for the man; that she was infact the one who was supposed to be his soul mate, his partner, and the one with which he would share sexual affection.

However, I wonder how many men and women who struggle with this issue do not also struggle with a kind of self hatred. I mean someone who hates that part of themselves, that thing in a woman that causes her heart to beat faster when an attractive man or a man with authority is around her; the part of a man that melts at the softness of a woman's femininity; that part of a woman's heart that fears that her natural God given adaptability and vulnerability make her extremely easy to be hurt and taken advantage of by men (which can entail allot mor than sexual activity; a woman can never ever have sexual relations with a man and still feel very strongly that she is being manipulated and taken advantage of)What about the woman that sees his gift of vulnerabilitty and softness as a curse that seemingly gives him the upper hand?

When that woman comes asking questions about how men think or about a specific situation, what's our response to her? Do we just tell her to "get over it and get on with her life"? In our exhaustion and frustration, do we tell her that the man that she continues to ask about (maybe because she's petrified) couldn't possibly be interested in her on any way shape or form? What's our response to her? What do we say? Do we tell her that she simply doesn't "love herself" and that's why she doesn't understand how a man could love her when in fact she hates men and every bit of her that has any attraction or affection for any of them? How do we respond to her?

Here's another concept to ponder. I wonder how many men and women are struggling with anger toward the opposite sex, and who no one would ever think could be taken into the lie of homosexualitybut are driven there by anger, and feelings of isolation, rejection and fear, not to mention bitterness and disdain...maybe because they feel overly rejected, or used and abused. Maybe because people's perceptions tend to be that "you shouldn't have LET them take advantage of you" (women get this one allot).

I wonder if there's any validity to Satan launching an all out attack on the perfect will and plan of God in the area of male and female relationships and be so determined to pervert sex and pervert and distort marriage that he sows seeds early in a child's life. He sends a molester or a rapist to take advantage of a little girl or little boy; who then grow up either hating themselves or hating the opposite sex because it represents what happened to them(or both). I wonder how many little boys grow up so wounded by witnessing the bad treatment of their mothers by men that they would rather be effeminate than have anything to do with being masculine. After all, why isn't reasonable that ome little boy could say to himself: "if that's what being a man is, then I don't wanna be one." How many of them get so berated by domineering and angry women who order them around and speak of men as if they are unimportant and as if they are animals, who exist only to produce children in women's wombs that they would rather be like the girls and be accepted by them, than risk a women's constant rejection of them.

I wonder how many little girls who aren't necessarily tom boys or who don't act like boys at all witness men mistreat women and use them decide that they would rather die than allow any man in edge wise to treat her like that. I wonder how many of these girls hear boys that they go to school with and to church with brag on how many girls they're "messin with" or sleeping with, and then go home to watch videos where women are portrayed only as fancy trophies for men to collect and have their sexuality completely degraded who grow up thinking that they would rather die than be at the mercy of any man? How many of these same little girls grow up hearing women make excuses for these men in the form of the aforementioned statements like "men are dogs" or "that's the way men are" and in so doing make excuses and leagalizations for why it's acceptable for them as women to specifically go after a man's money or otherwise manipulate him. I wonder how many little girls and young women hear those statements right from the pulpits in our churches as we laugh about it.

I wonder how many young girls and young women in an effort to understand men or to understand what's going on in their lives seek counsel from women only to recieve a barrage of "advice" colored by their own wrong and incorrect perceptions of God's first creation, the man.

I wonder how hopeless these people must feel to have people react to them as if they're crazy for thinking the way they think or feeling the way that they feel. I wonder how many of them get up and leave churches every day, and put guns in their mouths because they can't take the pain any more or put pills in their mouths to try to escape. I wonder how many just flat out disappear and get further entangled and engulfed in a lifestyle that clearly does not and cannot honor God; and I wonder how many of them are then tormented by the devil on a regular basis for walking in the thing that he attempted to mark them for since before they were born.

I wonder how many little children grow up thinking these things because WE TEACH THEM. Some time ago, I had an older woman at my church who I loved so very much and respected tremendously tell me that she told her sons while they were growing up that there are different categories of women: "there are women that you date," she said" women that you sleep with, and women that you marry." How interesting that SHE TAUGHT her boys what people had taught her about men, and that's what they learned, from the WOMAN in their life; that women could be categorized with signs marked "use me only for sex" and "use me only to pass the time" and "finally, I'm the one you marry" and that somehow there was nothing wrong with a man treating women like that. How interesting.....the concept that a daughter of the most high God wouldn't be worth being treated like a daughter of the most high God (wether SHE knew it or not....wrong doesn't become right because the person who's being wronged isn't objecting). One of her sons took this philosphy to heart. She told me in one conversation that one of her sons had several different children with several different women. "I didn't raise my son to be like that" she said. I didn't want to say this in an effort not to hurt her, but all I could think was "yes you did."

So I wonder how many little boys and little girls are being impacted with our broken philosophies about the opposite sex that we spew out in an effort to protect ourselves and protect them. How many kids are picking these things up and becoming the very things that we accuse the opposite sex of being, whether it's the all men are dogs theory that many women (dare I say especially in the black community) seem to have subscribed to, the idea that no man on God's green earth can wait until marriage to have sex, or the idea that all women are gold diggers and if she's nice to a man, she must be trying to get his money.

Ladies, are we poisoning our kids with these devastating and broken philosophies about our brothers? I have to target the ladies, because although I can't say for sure that men don't do that, but I haven't heard many men make such incredible generalizations about women. Can I be honest with you? Although I always thought that the idea that all men are dogs was ridiculous, if for no other reason than there being too many men on earth for that to be entirely true....secretly, deep down; for a very long time...I've carried a fear that says "What if it's true? What if they are all like that?" On top of that, although I never was able to really say "all men are dogs" and mean it.... (not that I never said it) after being told no man would want me for years in subtle ways by family, peers and society, I became very angry with men and I decided that I did believe that they were all extremely shallow, and therefore unable of ever appreciating anyone like me.
That being the case, like the woman in the beginning of the blog, I began to hate that part of myself, the part that flutters when a man takes authority, the part that is so engaged in and at faint heart at the squareness of a man's jaw. I HATED that part of myself and every time I felt anything like that, it caused me a great deal of anxiety.

Truthfully speaking, I can't really say that I'm all the way on the other side, even now, after all this time the idea of actually being vulnerable with a man sometimes causes me a great deal of anxiety....I mean a great deal of anxiety complete with tension and trouble breathing. I believe God for my complete and total restoration, but I realize something. Had I not had a knowledge of the things of God, I could have easily been one of those women who I spoke about earlier. Although it was such a strong spiritual battle that I faced about that part of me, the part that loves men, many people who are people of God could not discern it. It seemed to go over their head.
Praise God for a couple of sisters God gave me that understand and of course for the Holy Hpirit and for His loving kindness of me Even when I was hell bent on destroying myslef because of my anger about this desire, He seeming would never let me. But what about the other women, who don't have that? What about the men who don't know that? The ones who don't know the love of God and don't have an understanding of the things of God in his purpose for men and women; or who have been so hurt and rejected; some in forms of sexual abuse and sexual assault and rape (boys and girls mind you) what about them?

What happens to them when someone simplifies their problem to being resolvable simply by "letting go" of the idea of being with one particular person? As if it's not bound to repeat itself over and over again no matter who the romantic interest is, therby continuing the torment.
What happens to them?
The devil tried hard and continues to try hard with me....I tried to end my life, I tried to walk away from God forever........but He always pulled me back...Thank God, He's good.
But what happens to the ones who don't yet know that level of the love of God?

How many of them leave our churches and become victims and tools in the hands of the enemy?

Do we care?

Do they even matter anymore?

So what does happen when someone hates a part of themselves?

Well, if you hate that you become hungry from time to time (even though food is a necessity, not just a desire) you could try to starve yourself, or you may binge and then punish your body by purging; vomiting all of it...which is bound to make you sick.

If you're a man who hates masculinity and hates the fact that you're a man because you feel it is a picture of hatred, or of hurt and deception (I believe like the men in the documentary I saw) then you could revert to doing anything and everything not to be that, including mutilation yourself....which is bound to kill you at least spiritually, if not medically.

And if you're a woman who feels that your natural femininity is a hindrance to you, something that only gets you taken advantage of and hurt and rejected and made a fool of, you may do everything in your power to REJECT that part of yourself; even if it means ending your own life, or cutting off your hair, dresing like a man, talking like a man, and living as if you were in deed a man...which is bound to torutre you (because you're NOT a man).

Here's the thing though, no matter what you do, you can't get away from you......
So what happens to those who would rather cut a part of themselves a way (whether in the natural or in the spiritual realm) then ever embrace that part of themselves for fear that they will be badly and irreparably hurt?

Some make it to deliverance.
Some don't.

Here's another important question: as the people of God and the body of Christ....

DO THEY MATTER TO US?

Sarah E. Rios
Creator and Founder
http://www.lovehealsallwounds.blogspot.com/